So, are you nervous?

Posted by Chopper | Random | Saturday 6 March 2010 9:20 AM

I’ve probably been asked that question no less than 50 times since this whole trip to the Philippines started coming together. Sure, there are great jokes to be made about Filipino prisons, being kidnapped, and the illicit sex trade…but I’ve never been even a little bit nervous about the whole thing. That is of course, until about 8:47 Thursday morning.

It’s weird. I was talking about all the crap I need to get done in the next 8 or so days, (Ya know, because who’s counting or anything) when I got the obligatory question: “so…are you nervous about going over there?”

And for the first time…..I actually was.

The thing is, it’s not for all the reasons I really should be nervous. Sure, it’s a foreign county that’s rife with natural disasters, political instability, petty theft, prostitution, robbery, and rampant poverty. But hey, I’m from Northfield. They kill hookers for sport there. I’m not worried about some crazy little Asian dudes trying to rob me with a broken coke bottle. What’s really getting to me, is what this all means in the grand scheme of things.

This is it. This is one of those infamous “dare to be great” moments that come along maybe once or twice in a lifetime….if you’re lucky. This whole thing is a culmination of my entire career in IT. If I succeed? The sky is the limit. If I fail? Lets just say my climb up the corporate ladder may stall out for a little while. Anyone who wouldn’t get a little nervous about that is either too stupid or too arrogant for their own good. God knows I dance around the line on the latter.

I’m guess I’m really just trying to keep it all in perspective. I’m pretty terrible at a lot of things. Keeping my opinion to myself, relationships, the ability to keep loose change off my bedroom floor…..the list goes on and on. But, I am damm good at what I do for a living. Obviously, I wouldn’t be getting sent over there if I didn’t earn it. I know I made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today. Weekends, Holidays, the latter half of my 20’s, and most of my sanity. But all those sacrifices, and a little bit of luck have suddenly presented this grand opportunity at my feet. I always said that all that crap would pay off someday, and despite my own doubts….I guess it actually has.

Anyone that knows me realizes that my self-proclaimed destiny for greatness started a long time ago. I guess it’s just weird to see life finally catching up with me.

So, am I nervous? Hell no. I can’t get started fast enough. As I’ve always said….It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll.

Now lets drink some beer.

Popularity: 44% [?]

Randoms

Posted by Chopper | Random | Sunday 21 February 2010 9:20 PM

I realized the other day that Sarah Palin might just drive me to self-inflicted violence against my own eardrums. Her entire rise to fame does nothing but confirm for me the concepts that A: All of life’s limitations can me made up for with a nice ass, and B: A little more than 35% of my country is legally brain dead.

There aren’t too many things as painful as seeing people I’ve known half my life, talking about yellow ribbons on Fox news. Unfuckingbelievable. Thank god I’m from Northfield.

Speaking of Northfield: It still shocks me how no one ever realized what was really going on down at the basketball courts. Every once in a while the cops would come around, but it was usually just to pick up Terry on a warrant or something. There is no way that kids could ever get away with that shit today.

I find it quite intriguing that if you aren’t from a middle eastern country and fly a plane into a government building, you’re not a terrorist….you’re just pissed off. Apparently, white americans can’t be terrorists. I mean, It’s not those guys ever did any crazy shit in the last 250 years or so.

I still can’t decide if the National floors direct girl is hot or not. I don’t even hear what she says during the commercials anymore, all I hear is my internal monologue debating itself. “Yeah, she looks kinda cute…but her face is huge”. I think she needs to do a commercial in bathing suit, just to get me off the fence one way or the other.

The Winter Olympics are so fucking boring with the exception of hockey and snowboarding. No one gives a shit about Ice dancing. Well, at least no one who I want to have a conversation with.

Oh Tiger Woods. You almost have to be impressed at the poontang bender that guy went on. I’m still not sure how more athletes haven’t taken a life lesson from Derek Jeter. Jeets spent the last decade giving most of hot america the herp and no one seems to give it a second thought. Why? Because he’s not married. He should teach a class for new pro athletes called “Kids, don’t be stupid”

While I’m talking about New York’s favorite son, I just have to say how nice it is to go into baseball season as a resident of titletown again. I’m always so much more relaxed during a championship offseason. I’m not even being cocky, deep down I actually think this Yankee team might be better than last years.

Finally, anything Rajon Rondo says I need to be vaccinated for, I’m fucking getting vaccinated for. Tomorrow

Popularity: 66% [?]

I just watch it for the commercials

Posted by Chopper | Sports | Sunday 7 February 2010 11:03 AM

Alright, as a rule: I don’t like these people. You have to explain things to them.  But they make a good point, the super bowl has some pretty damm good commercials.

I think the best year was the first harvard ave superbowl party. Tech companies paid nonsense money for super bowl ads that year, which produced two of my most favorite commercials of all time. 

“You see the movies, you hear the stories…..I’m living the dream”

 

 

As a rule, if it’s got a monkey in it….It a pretty safe bet that it’s got my full attention.

 

Man, those were the days. Days I thought I would be driving a BMW by now. Stupid .com bubble.

Popularity: 62% [?]

Super Sunday

Posted by Chopper | Sports | Sunday 7 February 2010 10:37 AM

Well, it’s that time of year again where champions are made…..and children are scarred for most of their young adulthood. That’s right folks, it’s Super Bowl time.

Being a Bills fan on Super Bowl Sunday is like being a one legged girl at the prom. Even if you have the off chance of dancing with someone, you know you’re just going to end up falling on your face anyway. So, why bother?

It’s taken me about 15 years to really be able to talk about this and not get upset.

Alright, I can’t lie here…..I’m still fucking upset. I mean, what the hell? Really? You guys couldn’t have gotten one win? one measly win? A .250 winning pct would have fucking killed you? Instead, now I have to hop around Boston on my one leg while Jimmy from Revere gets to dance with the prom queen. Not to mention, do you have any idea what this does to me when yankee/red sox arguments spill over to football? I have to go sit in the corner and stare at the wall.

It’s at a stage where I’m almost happy to have them mired in mediocrity, since I don’t think I can handle watching another one. Part of it is my own fault. I still watch the NFL Films recaps of all 4 of them, every single year. It’s like a car accident. You just can’t look away. I mean, it was tough enough in my early teenage years. If the Bills played in one today? I feel like I’d be rocking back and forth on the couch, drinking beer through a straw, and not talking for 4 hours.

But for all my personal misery, I still love the damm super bowl. It’s our unofficial national holiday. I actually enjoy it a lot more being detached from it. It keep me from gambling with my heart. 4 years of homer bets can take years to undo.

So, without further ado…my 2010 super bowl sunday predictions.

I’d love to see the Saints win. I would have loved to see the Bills win too. Tough shit. Colts over saints, Colts cover the spread.

Manning has a record chasing game, and wins his 2nd MVP

Both teams score a crapload of points. (Take the over for god sakes)

Etrade will do the best commercial, even though the new talking baby sucks.

The Who will rock the house.

Boomer Esiasion will insult Dan Marino before I eat lunch.

I’ll see this at least 5 times

And I’ll watch Buffalo 66′ on my day off tomorrow and dream.

Popularity: 61% [?]

Randoms

Posted by Chopper | News | Wednesday 3 February 2010 6:50 PM

It’s good to see that the US military wised up and finally got rid of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  How being gay meant you weren’t allowed to get shot at by terrorists never really made sense to me. I tell you one thing: I bet Halloween parties on the base just got a lot more fun.

I swear I’m the only person on earth who doesn’t watch Lost. I waited too long, so it probably isn’t going to happen now. I’ll get the DVD’s, get through like season 3, and then some dickface will totally ruin the ending for me.

I feel like having the choice between living in Haiti right now and being “adopted” by Baptists is like starring in a real life “Saw” movie.

I hear Mike Tyson decided to re-record his own song for Haiti. It’s called “I am the world, I’ll eat your children”.

I come up with some really wacked out shit when I’m listening to the news while I’m getting ready for work. See above.

I have this overwhelming desire to run around the Tokyo Airport with a Godzilla mask on.

I figured out that the secret of facebook is eventually getting friended by every girl you ever dated, followed by thanking Jesus that you didn’t end up marrying any of them.

I’m going to get at least 10 angry emails after that statement.

I really hope most of them are creative.

It’s good to be back.

Popularity: 60% [?]

Really? Like, this actually happened?

Posted by Chopper | Idiocy | Wednesday 27 January 2010 9:01 PM

 Computerworld- Apple CEO Steve Jobs today unveiled the iPad, calling the tablet a “magical and revolutionary” addition to the company’s existing lines of Macs, iPods and the iPhone.

Ok, so lets not even talk about the fact that this thing is nothing but an IPhone for people with chubby hands. Instead, let’s try and guess what the Apple branding and marketing folks are going to do for work after they all get fired tomorrow morning.

 

 

Apple has like 20,000 employees, and NONE of them watched Mad TV? Seriously? Nobody was like “Um, hey Steve? Yeah, so you might want to come up with another name that doesn’t sound like an internet-enabled feminine hygiene product”? I just can’t believe it. It’s like the modern day Pinto. Steve Jobs left a poor Asian boy in a tub full of ice without a liver to make this speech, and you guys named his new toy the iRag? If I worked at Apple, I’d spend the night saying goodbye to my family and practicing the Chewbacca defense.

 

Popularity: 75% [?]

The Thrilla in Manllia, courtesy of Chopzilla

Posted by Chopper | News | Friday 22 January 2010 2:49 PM

So, things have gotten kinda crazy for me since I stopped writing. About a year ago. I got this new fancy title at work. I won’t bore you with it, but I’m now managing all projects and new technology for my group……which pretty much both kicks ass and kicks my ass at the same time. I’m kinda lame, I work long hours, but considering what happened to the economy since I stopped writing..I’m not going to bitch. Ok, I’m still going to bitch….just not to people who don’t have jobs. I’m sensitive like that. 

But for all the changes at work, lets not gloss over the really big one: I’m moving to the Philippines for 10 weeks. Yes folks, get in your mail order bride jokes now…becuase come March 13th, I’m leaving on a jet plane to the other side of the world. My company has given me a great opportunity to build out a new division out in our remote office in Manilla, and I just couldn’t resist. “So wait, you’re going to pay me to live in a tropical climate in a luxury hotel for 3 months?” Oh yeah, that was a hard decision.

And no, I’m not outsourcing any jobs. It’s funny, because that’s always what people think about overseas work. What I am doing however is building a desktop support organization from scratch. In our alleged “global economy”, this is a like a resume’s wet dream. Not to mention, I get to build my own Filipino army as part of my quest for world domination.

Everyone claims I’m coming back married. That’s not going to happen. But if I had to wager on what’s going to happen, I would bet the house on something similar to Brando in Apocalypse now. Ya know, if I don’t end up beheaded or blindfolded in a grainy video on CNN screaming ” somebody get me the fuck out of here!”

It’s funny, I was totally cool about this whole trip until the other day, when my disaster and parasite obsessed sister in vet school started talking about Malaria. Now, she’s got me totally freaked out. Thanks Julie. Now I’ll be importing “Deep Woods OFF” by the gallon. I’m not coming back like Mr. Dennis. Not fucking happening.

Oh the bright side, I’ve set aside some travel time at the end to make my way around the landscape. As of right now, it looks like i’ll get to hit up Japan, Australia, and maybe Thailand or Singapore. Though, I’m not all that excited at the idea of me getting a little too drunk and ending up getting a rattan cane across my pasty ass a few dozen times. So maybe we’ll just stick to Japan and Australia. I’ll take it as it comes I guess. I just know that the chances of me being on that side of the world again is about the same as me buying a Miley Cyrus album, so I have to capitalize on the opportunity.

Yeah, so that’s the deal. Needless to say, I plan on using the site to document my time over there, and keep all my crew informed without spending hours on skype telling the same damm stories over and over again. Plus, still being a mouthy, antagonistic asshole…….even from 9,000 miles away. I’m just hoping they have internet access in Filipino prisons.

Popularity: 89% [?]

Fucking Guido’s

Posted by Chopper | Rants | Friday 22 January 2010 2:05 PM

Seriously, this Jersey Shore shit is just too much for me. I can’t even talk about it without getting disgusted.  What kills me is that I’m not sure how this whole thing is a new concept for people. There are generations of Jersey trash out there. Have you been to a Jets game before? Didn’t anyone ever see the old MTV True Life? I think it was called “My parents fed me gallons of lead paint before I grew up and got a beach house on the Jersey shore?”

There is literally no hope for these people. It’s at a stage where all you can do is isolate them and hope they don’t breed. Don’t believe me? 

 

This video was shot in the early 1990’s. So the kids you now see on the Jersey shore were actually born to these people.  They somehow actually managed to reverse evoultion. Someone should win a nobel prize for this. Or at least be taken out in public and beaten in the town square.

Now: You want to do a TV show? This is a TV Show!!

http://www.slate.com/id/2242202

But if love intervenes, Fitzy might have to choose between his love of hockey and his love of one special Massholina. Likes: his Boston Whaler, his beat-up Hartford Whalers hat. Dislikes: A-Rod.

(First blog + Jersey Guido’s + Massholes = Layup)

Popularity: 100% [?]

Look….Up in the sky! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Brett Farve!

Posted by Chopper | News | Monday 18 January 2010 10:32 PM

So, you’ve all seen it a dozen times before. A champion goes out on top, spends a few years in retirement, then one day…..he gets the itch. No, not herpes you gutter clowns, something more. Something bigger. The overwhelming urge to make a grand comeback. It’s an urge that just can’t be quelled by simple means.  They toy around with the idea, but fear that they will never be able to return to the game with the authority and domination that they did in years past. Then one day they wake up, and decide once and for all that they still have something left to prove.

Well folks…….It’s on. I’m back.

I haven’t written anything more than some smarmy Facebook updates in a pretty long time, so this is probably going to be more disappointing than the 2009 Buffalo Bills. Well, at least at first. But to be honest, I really don’t give a shit. This run is for me. The name of my site may seem odd to some people, but it’s exactly where I’m going with this. The stuntcock is known as the workhorse of the porno industry. He gets no fame, no fortune, he just does it because he loves to do what he’s good at.

I love to write. Plain and simple. Not to mention, I used to be pretty goddamn good at it. The beauty of this whole experiment is that I’m doing it on my terms. I bought my own webhosting, and built this site from the ground up. (alright, I stole most of the code, but whatever) I control all the content on Stuntcock. No Terms Of Service to violate, no rules to follow, no bullshit. Simply put: I get to do and say whatever I want…….with little to no recourse from anybody.

(Well, at least until I’m eventually sued by Warner Bros for copyright violations)

It’s still a work in progress, but sit back….relax….and enjoy the show. Because with all the shit that has happened in the world since I hung em up, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

(Oh, and feel free to click on a few of my ads. This shit doesn’t grow on trees ya know)

Popularity: 100% [?]